from: "One Silent Night: Women's Stories of Christmas"
         (edited by Janice Chaffee), Harvest
         House Publishers, USA, 2000
         [amazon.com / amazon.de]
author: Leigh Nash (of Sixpence None The Richer)
website: http://www.onesilentnight.com

»» Leigh's Story
by Leigh Nash from Sixpence None The Richer
an excerpt from "One Silent Night" (Harvest House Publishers)

Our early Christmases with lots of gifts became Christmases with gifts that only put us deeper in debt. Then those few gifts dwindled down to no gifts, except those from our grandmother. After Dad left the bank, and for as long as she could, Mom scraped enough money together to keep Christmas fun. We probably could have sold stuff to get cash if we really wanted to, but we agreed that was more trouble than it was worth. In our hearts we understood that gifts were unimportant but with the cultural influence of commercialism, we had a hard time acting on that knowledge. We did some cool things though. When we did give gifts, Mom insisted that each one have a short poem attached that hinted of the item inside. Some of those verses are stuffed in a drawer at home -- they're so much fun to read now!

My mom believed that the birth of Jesus was the reason for everything, and she tried to make us all see that, but without our support her effort turned into a disaster. We sat impatiently while she read the Christmas story from the New Testament and then we'd hang out all day, watching movies with Dad. We tried to pretend that it didn't matter if we didn't receive any gifts. We tried to focus on the fact that we were together, we were safe, and we had a roof over our heads. We had clothes to wear and food to eat.

As my high school years went by, I learned so much about how the lack of material things affects perceptions, about being humble, about knowing what's important in life, and how to love. I learned that, even though we try, we humans can't love unconditionally. I learned a lot about grace and forgiving people we love. Those are pretty important lessons to grasp so young, and I'm really thankful for them. I don't think I would take back any of those unusual Christmases.

Another major event occurred in our family's life after I graduated from high school and went on the road with a band. My parents separated for almost four years. Each of them suffered their own version of hell on earth during that time. There was no more fighting, but a lot of time for contemplation, change, repentance, and, finally, forgiveness. After much personal soul-searching, they are back together, healing what was once a disastrous marriage. They lived through so much together, and overcoming the pain of their past is a constant reminder of God's grace to them. Their reconciled marriage is a miracle, really. There are no secrets between them and they share everything. This is such a good example for (my sister) Molly's marriage and for mine.

I cannot imagine why I am so blessed. My husband is amazing, and I have a great career. I used to wonder how my parents managed to raise two good, levelheaded daughters, because alcoholism is definitely a family disease. I know now it had everything to do with God. I believe he has a special place for families who try to keep him at the center, even though they're messed up and weak and hurting. God showed my family so much grace by taking such good care of us.

After years of silence between my dad and my grandmother, he went to her house and apologized for his behavior. My grandmother forgave him and they mended fences. It was a huge step for both of them. My father understood she was just being protective of her daughter and grandchildren, and I think she understood his new sincerity.

And then Dad apologized to my sister and me. For years we warned him, "You're going to be so sad when we're grown and out of the house and you don't have us anymore. Someday you'll be sorry that you chose this business over us." None of us knew how intense that sorrow would prove to be. Fortunately, we've been given time to repair our relationships. We've cried a lot together, and we've assured Dad that we always loved him. Still, I can only imagine the feelings he has over what "might have been."

To this day, our Christmases are not very traditional. We still don't give gifts at my parents' house. They have a tree and adequate financial resources, but it's just not our tradition at all. We spend the morning reflecting on what Christmas is all about. And now we finally listen when the Scripture is read! We still like to watch movies with Dad, so usually we all go see whatever's released that day. It's just our way to spend Christmas together.

My husband and I alternate Christmases between his parents and my parents. At his parents' house, it's like Gift Central with piles of presents for all the grandkids. I get a little bit misty-eyed seeing the kids run and laugh and tear into gifts. I wish I could go back and give that to my mom. She didn't get enough of that with Molly and me. She seldom felt sure that her daughters were really happy. She wanted to spoil us some, like most mothers do, especially when she knew she couldn't.

We didn't really miss a lot. We received gifts that will last a lifetime. Mom showed us what it means to be faithful. She taught us how to keep our dignity when the judging eyes of those around made our home a fishbowl. She modeled commitment and the willingness to grow. She sang beside us in church with her head held high and her eyes focused on God's promises.

Dad showed us the consequence of what happens when career becomes more important than family. Then, he showed us humility and the intensity of love and just how much a life can change when touched by God's forgiveness and grace.

I learned about pride from both my parents. Pride can either uphold you or destroy you and, in any case, it had better be given to God for his use. Mom and Dad modeled true love. They held on to each other, rich or poor, healthy or sick, better or worse, together or apart. They never gave up on their marriage or each other. Now they amaze me. They hold hands in church and just glow with happiness and contentment. Seeing them this way is a gift I never imagined having. It's so much more special because God is obviously with them.

As I look back, I realize that through the good and bad I lacked for nothing. God gave us proof that he does supply all our needs. Without presents on Christmas Day, we learned to focus entirely on God's gift, a Savior to love us, accept us, and forgive us. Love was the important gift we had every year. The assurance of love. The promise of love. The expression of love. Our difficult experiences gave us great empathy and awareness of other people's pain. We know now to listen and to relate to people who experience humiliation, anxiety, or worry. Love and compassion are the gifts that were given to us and the ones we give to others. And not just on Christmas Day.

Photo: © 1999 Apply Design; © 2000 Myrrh Records / Text: Taken from "One Silent Night," copyright © 2000 by Janice Chaffee. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR 97402 and CCM Books, a division of CCMCommunications, Nashville, TN 37205. As published on the www.passageway.org website. ««